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I was 38 when my spiritual awakening surprised me. Wasn’t expecting it, didn’t even know what it was. Not really. One minute I’m enjoying myself at a yoga retreat, next thing I know I’m questioning everything I thought I knew about myself. It was yoga but it was also a retreat featuring self-reflection and sharing. I had been to therapy before; this was not the self-reflection that I had come to know and embrace. This was different. My family, my beliefs, my personality, all under the microscope. It was not even the point of any of the exercises. The questions given by the host all centered around who we were. I sat there thinking, “WHO THE HELL AM I?” After 3 days, I went home changed. I was not sad, but I was not happy. I felt rejuvenated and also stunned. What just happened?

I don’t know if the vegan food had anything to do with it, but it was like I left a part of myself behind. In a good way. I felt lighter, free, alive but also very confused.

Weeks started to go by with little change. I woke up questioning what I did with my time, what kind of parent, wife and daughter I was. I continued practicing yoga and even found myself going to a sharing circle. Before I even thought about what to say when it was my turn, my mouth was already letting out my situation. During the sharing no one is allowed to talk about what is being shared. The circle will just reply in unison, “THANK YOU FOR SHARING” when you are finished. I was a mess. As we were rolling up our mats and getting ready to leave, a woman approached me. I did not know this woman, and I cannot remember a single detail about her. The only thing I remember was that she shared that she had gone through something similar and it was called a “Spiritual Awakening.” I immediately went home and headed down the internet rabbit hole. I was astounded by the results that reflected so much of what I was feeling. I remember reading words that had different meaning now. Words and phrases like “Alignment” and “self-love.” The summary of what I read consisted of describing this change as a kind of letting go. Old habits, people and unhealthy ways of being. I remember thinking of how nice that would be. To let go of bad habits and unhealthy things. “How nice.” I thought.

In hindsight, I remember imagining my awakening being like when Cinderella enters the ballroom after being transformed from a scullery maid into a total diva and everyone stops to look at this stunning woman. She makes her way and everyone just bows and backs out of her way. Like she is a magnificent shining star. Untouchable. Elegant and Angelic. I pictured clouds and stars and angels singing, with harps. It felt peaceful. I also equated the transition to when Peter Pan shows up in the nursery of Wendy, Michael and John and teaches them all to fly. All you need is a little pixie dust and happy thoughts. That will surely get you to Neverland and anywhere else your heart might be longing for. Completely Magical Right?

WRONG.

SO WRONG.

At first it felt magical. New words, new research, new understandings and release of old feelings. I started to read new books that helped me to find my own perspective and identify more with my actual beliefs rather than the programming I had been subjected to. (See Link to Thrift Books below. Not sponsored) Everything was feeling pretty good…until it wasn’t. I woke up and looked in the mirror to find that in some weird way I looked different. I found myself locked in conversations that I had before, and they were now so irritating that I started to become mad with and RBF to match. I did not care to be around those conversations or many of the same people anymore. I went out of the house less and stayed in more. I felt like I was on an alien planet and had trouble relating to anyone. I felt very alone and isolated. Obviously, I did what one does when they have nowhere else to turn. I turned to the internet. This is when I learned about masking. I learned that in an effort to stay safe, keep things calm and seem highly likeable, I would keep certain thoughts inside when they really wanted to come out. Or I would keep conversations going about things I had 0 interest in an effort to seem more likable. I started to realize I was masking almost 100% of my time with other people. How sad that I was almost 40 and didn’t feel like I could be myself. Not even 10 percent of the time. What kind of life was that? What kind of example was I setting for my kids?

Despite all the healing and realizations that were happening it still kept coming at me in all directions. This last category was the last one that had the most impact. I went to pick out clothes and get dressed. Opened my drawer to put on a novelty t-shirt. (The same thing I had done EVERY day for the past two decades.) For some reason, I could not pick one. Not one piece of the handpicked and curated collection felt like it was “me” anymore. In fact, they sort of gave me the ick. It was like I woke up in Freaky Friday and there was no other co-star to freak the heck out with. I found myself thinking back to the nursery in Peter Pan thinking, WTF?

This was supposed to be fun. It was supposed to be whimsy, and light and exhilarating. Instead of feeling like I was soaring through the sky on the way to a thrilling adventure I had been tricked. The prick gaslit me. I was now stuck in mermaid lagoon with a bunch of bitchy mermaids who were splashing me and trying to drown me when he wasn’t looking. No matter what I did I could not get out of there. It was hard to think “Happy Thoughts” when I am fighting within one inch of my life and everyone around me is either laughing, trying to kill me or too busy playing his stupid flute to help me. Like Wendy, I knew it was time to ditch the man boy, find my truth, then get my ass back home. However, and wherever, that was now.

Like Wendy I fought my way through pirates, the plank and being surrounded by a bunch of buffoons who clearly had no idea how to take care of children or had a single clue what they were doing. One step at a time, I figured out what was aligned for me, figured out who I wanted to be and be with and I bounced.

But how do you go back to normal life when you know something as magical as Neverland exists?

Wendy had the choice to either stay in the nursery or to move into her own room and grow up. I felt I had 2 choices. Gaslight myself into thinking nothing happened. Neverland did not exist. There was no awakening. Everything was exactly the same as it had been before the retreat.

-OR-

Take what I had learned from the awakening and slowly alchemize it. Slowly absorb the changes, make little changes and very methodically change everything.

There was no way I could pretend Neverland did not exist. The awakening happened. There was no way for me to go back to my old self. I was different now. So that was what I did. Some people did not like it. In fact, many did not and that is a story for another day.

You will be happy to know that I made it through, and everything worked out. It was hard at times; it was lonely at times as well. But I made it. And I can honestly say that at 42 I have never felt more like myself. I have never had more faith in myself, or God/the Universe. It was worth every single moment of discomfort to get here, and I would do it all over again. You can too.

Books that helped me in this leg of my journey:

UnFu*k Yourself Written By: Gary John Bishop

You are a Badass Written By: Jen Sincero

Untamed Written By: Glennon Dole

Favorite books to share! Click here to be taken to Thrift Books

Our house was small. There were 6 of us in a 3 Bed, 1 Bath, 923 sq ft house. My parents made it work for as long as they could. During the winter, there wasn’t much space. At night we played Sega, and watched TV. I don’t know hold old I was when I started staying up late and putting myself to bed. Any weekend, and any holiday break, I would stay up late so I could be the one to choose what to watch. I was the Queen of the remote! It was around this time that I stumbled upon Saturday Night Live. I was at an age where I didn’t really know what was going on but there was enough slapstick humor for me to think it was hilarious and tune in weekly. It was a great time to be alive. I would play with my friends during the day and hang with Mike Myers, Molly Shannon, David Spade, Adam Sandler, Ana Gasteyer, Tim Meadows and Chris Farley at night. It was my first taste of comedy.

Fast forward, we moved to the country. I traded my friends within walking distance for my own room in a farmhouse on 5 acres. There were a lot of bugs, and a lot of open spaces to find myself alone in. My only playmates were my little sister and baby brother. Needless to say, as a 13-year-old I spent a lot of time alone in my room. I had my own dual cassette stereo and a lot of books. I read a lot, and also did a lot of writing and art. Fast forward again. I’m 15 almost 16. I have my first boyfriend, I have friends, but I still spend a lot of time in my room. At this point my parents are doing worse. I’m at a point of learning about self-reflection and thinking about my future. I remember talking to my mom about visiting a local college to start thinking about my future. Thats one of the last things I remember about living in that house. After that my parents got “divorced”. Which is the cleanest way to say that we just moved out.

From there life got harder. This time in a different way. I went to 4 High schools in my Junior and Senior years. Life went on. I graduated, worked so many random jobs, was in some relationships, made new friends and life got better. I started to see my capabilities when I landed a job at Best Buy on their project team. Project team was a group of individuals that traveled around the country setting up new stores and do major resets in the stores. Usually at night. I landed myself a spot on a great team thanks to my friend Jay. My team worked hard which helped us to be chosen for bigger projects in bigger cities. We worked in 3 week increments in cities such as Orlando, Las Vegas, and New York City. This felt like a HUGE opportunity for a country kid like me who never traveled outside of Ohio till she was 16. We mainly worked nights. When we had time off, we made time to have fun. Any weekend we had it packed full of fun. Every free second we had of free time was filled with some sort of adventure.

Las Vegas- We stayed on the strip for 3 weeks. Do you know what that does to a person? Vegas is fun for like a long weekend and that’s about it. We had our casino nights but also took a car to the Hoover Dam and to the Valley of Fire. I also made time to visit my grandparents because they lived in LV. I would also like to mark just how surprisingly large and wonderful the Rio buffet was when we were there. I never want to forget it. It was the first place I ever had gelato.

NJ/New York City-We traveled here twice. First time we traveled over from New Jersey. We drove to Red Bank to see the Quick Stop from Clerks and Jay and Silent Bob’s Secret Stash. Then over to NYC again so we could see the statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, and all the other sites.

This second trip was a magical one. My team was approved to work on the Manhattan, which meant we were also staying in a hotel in Manhattan for 3 weeks. We did so many things I could not possibly list them all. Had the best French fries ever at Pomme Frites, traveled through all of the burrows, caught a dress rehearsal of Saturday Night Live (featuring Hugh Laurie and Beck!). We caught 3 musicals. Avenue Q, Evil Dead the Musical, and a very special performance of Wicked. I could write and entire page just on this one moment. That is a story for another time.

I had a blast and in the end, I was paid for very little to travel to all of these places. We saved most of our per diem by eating breakfast at the hotel for dinner. (Remember we were on night shift. While at breakfast I would take some oatmeal packets, tea bag, yogurt or anything that felt right and stashed it in my room. And in the “morning” we would grab food somewhere before we went in. Lunch was whatever I had from breakfast at the hotel. Per diem was saved for fun, not healthy food! Oh, to be 20 again!! There came a point, where I got tired of staying in hotels, missed my family, and was tired of the long stretches staying in hotels, with a weekend home in between just to do laundry then go again. I resigned and moved on to the next J.O.B.

Life continued to go on. Fast forward one more time. I’m married with 2 kids. I find my way back to my old farmhouse where my dad lives. As I am showing my kids some of my things, I quickly rifle through a box and find a list. I remember writing this list as a teenager. I pick up the aged, wide ruled piece of paper and note there are 10 destinations listed on them. My jaw drops as I look through the list and notice that 7 of them are marked off. I am in shock. I think back to that scrawny little baby who had so much hope. She scribbled her wishes down and gave them to the universe. Like when you blow on a dandelion to make a wish after it has that has gone to seed.

I look at this paper now and recognize it as the first time I manifested something. This was the proof that I needed to see, to know what magic the Universe could give to me. There was no way to think myself out of believing this one. I look at this list, and I remember how far I came, how much I have accomplished and that I can do anything. My dreams are attainable. All I have to do is ink it, not just think it and start walking towards my future. What is meant for me, will find me.

Somewhere along the way, I told myself that I was not a good writer, and I quit. I never thought about it again until 2024. Since 2020 I have been on a sort of spiritual journey, after what I believe to be my “spiritual awakening” happened at a weekend retreat with my friends. The Great Brene Brown refers to it as the “midlife unraveling”. She is not joking; that’s the best way to describe it. During my unraveling, launched by my spiritual awakening, I went back to my roots. The ones that led me back to my childhood where it all began. A simpler time when I got to just exist. A time before people pushed and shoved, belittled and bereded me into a box. A time when I just got to be me. While in this space I remembered how much I laughed, imagined and pretended. How I lived outdoors no matter what the climate, constantly had an adventure and how much I was consumed by art.

In order to find yourself, you have to unravel the bullshit that you roll yourself in. This is my story of the unraveling. This is my story of the lies, laughs and lessons along the way. If not now, then when?

I am here, to tell my tale. Maybe so you will read it and feel less alone, maybe so you read it and I feel less alone. Either way, WE are a little less alone. We are at a pivotal moment in life where we need community desperately. And if not me, then who? Let’s build something together. Something we are all proud of. Something we protect, cherish and nurture. A place where we can all hang our hats, and call home. A safe place to be vulnerable, share and learn from each other. Being the change you want to see in the world.

What you can expect from me:

Vulnerability. Number one, bottom line. My Human Design says I’m here to cut through the fluff and deliver what’s important. That is what I intend to do. Tell you the stories, what I learned and why it’s important. I want to share what I know to help those who read it. They can take what they need and learn from my story. I want this to be like talking to your friend, catching up and sharing what we observed. I want this to be a place where we will not be judged, the very best friends are those who listen to understand.

I am very well rounded and dabble in a lot. I have been called a “Jane of all trades” and I’m definitely ADHD. My point is this, when you come to this space you could see anything. A favorite recipe or book, some astrology, tarot, psychics, spiritual “things”, Enneagram or Human Design post. I love gardening, thrifting, art and crafts. I dabble in all things. Just know that in my space you are allowed to be who you want. In return I ask you to let me be who I want, and we will just respect each other. It is that easy. I am what I like to call “the great experimenter”. I thoroughly enjoy throwing spaghetti at a wall to see if it sticks. I read or find something and try it on like a hat. Sometimes I keep that hat as part of my attire. Other times I pass it on to someone else. There are also times I look at and appreciate the hat without ever trying it on. Just depends on how things feel.

More vulnerability…….

Today, in this moment I don’t know when I will post or what the benefit will be for subscribing. What I do know is that as soon as I figure it out, I will post it. Up my sleeve I am learning digital art and I have a podcast I’m working on. I have a young family and a spouse that travels for work. Life can be crazy and also really calm other times. I will post once a week at the least. I can envision all sorts of digital freebies, merch discounts and exclusive content from the podcast. Let me know what you would like to see as we grow this community and space together.

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